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My friends. No campaign to win Councillor of the Year is cheap. I am confident of sailing through every round except the Swimwear Section & the Beauty Contest. Which is why I need YOUR help. I'll be brief. I need to get in shape. When I tell you I'm up against Colin 'Triathlon' Bradstock, Mayor of Uttoxeter, you'll understand where I'm coming from. Be part of something great. Be part of something beautiful. Let's do this.
MY FRIENDS! BELOVED CITIZENS OF CHADWELL AND BEYOND! WHEREVER YOU MAY BE, WHOEVER YOU ARE - TALL OR SHORT, FAT OR THIN - I WELCOME YOU! I am Council leader Rowan Copernicus Battley, leader of Chadwell New Town (twinned with Las Vegas. Husband to Lola, proud father of Sally & Pericles. Scoutmaster & nudist). I call upon you to assist Chadwell Council in its noble quest to put our glorious town on the MAP! Your help will support council projects both big & small, from astro-turfing the vicarage lawn to creosoting the scout-hut. We need this. Be part of the dream! Become an Honorary Citizen of CHADWELL! And accept the grateful thanks of one who has served his community selflessly and without fear or favour for decades, ever since I was made Junior Chairman of the Ways & Means Committee at the age of four. I SHAKE YOU MENTALLY BY THE HAND!
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